Between a Fallout and it's Recovery
by vforlr
Summary: Deeks thinking a lot about his torture situation & also about Kensi and their thing. Set after Fallout.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic (first time i ever publish something self-written). And i would be very happy if you would tell me what you think of the story & my writing. Thank! & have fun reading.**

Deeks came home a few minutes ago and Monty is still all hyper on him because he's so happy to see him. As Deeks is sitting on the couch with the TV on he's thinking about the case they just finished.

When they realised they had to steal the detecting device back from the russians it was easy for all of them to decide that they were all in on it, even if it could mean they'd all lose their jobs. That is who they were – a family, and when it came to decisions like that it was always easy, even if it could have enourmous consequences.

He started to get carried away, and thought about how he came to be a cop in the first place. And how lucky he was to have met kensi in an undercover OP that, after all, made him join NCIS. He loved making the world a better place and he really loved having such a great team, even the teasing he always had to deal with was something he wouldn't want to miss. But then the memories of the capturing came back as he thought about all the bad guys they put away, one of them being Siderov. He felt how his mood started to change, how he felt weak from the inside and how he started to doubt himself again.

Since he was tortured Deeks knew something inside of him changed, he was never sure if he really was strong enough to live on the way he did, to overcome all that. Work was ironically the one thing that helped him deal with everything. It was hard in the beginning, he was afraid he wouldn't be able to save the people he loved if he didn't even manage to save himself from Siderov.

After the first case he was working on again was finished, he remebered something important. That moment after they cought the ciminals, that moment when the whole team is standing together, and every one of them knows they just did something to make the world a better place, that is what will get him through everything – that and Kensi.

„And here we go again!" he said to Monty who was now laying on the couch next to him. _„Like so often"_ he thought to himself _„I'm sitting here alone, letting my thoughs wander, and no matter what I think about I always end up thinking about Kens.."_

He didn't really sleep well that night, because of a terrible nightmare of the torturing woke him and he was soaked with sweat. It was close to 5 am so he decided to stay awake. On the one hand because he was afraid that the dream might appear once he was asleep again, and on the other hand he decided to seize the opportunity and go surfing this morning.


	2. Chapter 2

Around 5.30 am Deeks was almost alone on the beach, except for a few people who were on their morning run, but they were in their own world anyway with a pair of headphones on. So he enjoyed the loneliness and concentratet to absorb every bit of the ocean air he could get.

After some time out in the water he knew this wouldn't be a good day at all. He couldn't concentrate on surfing, was somehow tired but also not, something was just off. His mind kept on wandering to the dark places he didn't even want to admit were there.

As Deeks walks into the office later the other three agents were already there.

„Hey Deeks, why do you look so tired?" Sam asked, but when Deeks was about to answer him Hetty interupted. „Good Morning Mr. Deeks, could you come to my office for a minute please? Thank you." As Deeks made his way around the table he saw a kind-of-worried look on Kenis face that irritated him. He didn't do something wrong that Hetty was gonna punish him for, did he?

„Have a seat Mr. Deeks," Hetty welcomed him. „Do you know why i wanted to talk to you?" _Why doesn't she just say what is going on_ Deeks thougth. „No, I'm sorry Hetty I have no idea." _What a horrible day, first I can't sleep, then i couldn't surf, and now i have to play I-know-soemthing-that-you-don't-know with Hetty._

Hetty looked at Deeks as she said „You know that Mr. Getz made a psychological report after you returned home from hospital. And I imply that you also know that i asked him if he thought you were ever ready to come back Mr. Deeks." _Great topic for today_ Deeks mind shouted. „Yeah i know that Hetty."

„Good. So Mr. Getz told me that you will be okay but that it might take some time, and that you have to deal with some things, clear them out for yourself."Deeks looked down, turned his head a little and tried to get a good look at Kensi, but he couldn't see her.

„Hetty look, I'm really okay. I've been working some cases already, and i never had any problems, or caused any for that matter. I know that I cannot make all the memories go away, that I cannot pretend nothing happened, but i'm dealing with it my own way and I'm good okay."

He wasn't really angry, but somehow the last words came out pretty angry. _I wanted to say something different! Telling her I want to make all memories go away was probably not the smartest idea, but she already knows that I'm still working on it. She's Hetty maybe she even knows I doubt myself more often as i should._ Deeks tried to calm down inside and then got up and returned to his desk, he didn't want to talk about this anymore.

When he sat down on his desk, Kensi wasn't there. That alone was not really weird, but it became weird when she didn't come back for another 30 minutes.

„Do you guys know where Kensalina is?" Sam and Callen looked at each other but couldn't really give him the answer he wanted to hear. „I don't know, she got up when you were talking to Hetty, but we didn't exactly ask her where she was going" Sam finally said.

Deeks got up and made his way to the training area, usually she didn't workout in the middle of the day, but maybe he got lucky. And he did. But Kensi didn't look happy at all, she was killing the dummy and didn't even hear him come in.

„Wow, looks like I'm not the only one having a bad day today!"

Kensi stopped punching the dummy and turned around. „Why the hell do YOU have a bad day?" she almost shouted.

_Did he miss something? Since when was he not allowed to have a bad day?_ „Um.. I'm sorry?" he tried.

„What for? Did you do something? Don't tell me Hetty told you that I'm angry at you!"

_What? Hetty? Why would Hetty tell him that? Was Kens angry at him? What did he do? What is it that he missed?_ „Hetty, no. She just kinda asked me if I was okay again, or somthing like that. Why are you angry at me?"

Kensi has calmed down a bit. „I didn't say I was angry at you."

Now Deeks was irritatet. „But you asked me if Hetty told me so, and why would she even know if you really were angry at me?"

Kensi slowly walked to the bench and sat down. He could even SEE her think. _What is going on? _He tried again „So you are not angry with me, and Hetty didn't tell me anything. Why don't you tell me what's wrong Kensi?"

She looked at her feet, but after a while she answered him „I just thought.. It's just earlier this morning, before you were here, Hetty called me in. She was asking if I was okay with you being not okay. At first i didn't know what she was talking about, but she said she was worried about me because of YOUR PTSD. She thinks I am facing the same situation as I did with Jack."

She paused for a while and Deeks wasn't sure if she wanted him to say something so he went with „Are you?"

„Facing the same situation?" she looked at him as if he knew the answer. „Yes. Are you facing the same situation?" he repeated because he still didn't seem to look through.

„I don't know. You tell me." And with that she got up and went away, leaving a confused Deeks alone on the bench.


	3. Chapter 3

**So here's the last chapter of my first story, I hope you like it. I hope it's not too confusing :D**

When Kensi came to the bullpen from her workout, she didn't even get to sit down, because Eric was standing on top of the stairs chanting them upstairs for a new case. As the team went up Deeks held Kensi back for a second and asked her if she was okay. She smiled at him, and told him they'd talk after the briefing.

x

„Just a small case" Nell anounced. „Not even a real case" Eric murmured.

„What have you got for us?" Callen asked. Eric tried to be enthusiastic „You have to observe a witness" he started „but it's just for 4 hours until she will make her statement, so.. yeah that's it."

Sam and Callen exchanged looks. „That is all?" Sam asked „for this you don't need all four of us or are there any special circumstances?"

„Well" Nell started „not really threatening circumstances, but the witness – Hannah Creston – is the best friend of the SecNavs daughter."

„What did she witness?" Kensi asked.

„A robbery, but a LAPD officer got shot in the shoulder from behind, he wasn't on duty and the robber just freaked. After he shot the officer he ran and got cought around the next corner, but he swears that he didn't do anything and the weapon couldn't be matched to the bullet because it was to defragmented. But he is under arrest and we think he was alone in this – so not really dangerous for the girl right now" Eric explained for all of them when Hetty arrived.

„We also take small tasks seriously!" Hetty reminded the team. „Mrs. Blye, Mr. Deeks I think you two should take over the surrveilance." And with that Hetty left again.

x

Kensi and Deeks were in the car, eating some chinese takeaway they got on their way to the opservation. They were pretty sure that nothing would happen. Deeks startet to think about Kensi and their Thing again.

He thought about all the moments they shared that were maybe a parntership, or maybe something more. Everything that brought them to where they are today, as partners or even as something more.

He thought about how they met and got intruduced by the trainer of the MMA gym _„And that's Jason Wyler. This is Tracy."_ How he called her Fern the first time, how they learned to trust each other and grew together. They saved each others lives more than once. He remembered how upset and hurt Kensi was when she thought Deeks was leavin NCIS, and how she stood by his side and was there for him when he struggled being Max Gentry, and that she was jealous.

And also the little things were and still are important, like that she knows who Bizzaro is. That her favourite TV show is Topmodel, and that she always says she's fine especially when she's not. That she sleeps in a starfish pose, and still remembers what Deeks was wearing when she first saw him. And that her fish liked his fish.

Kensi and Deeks became more than partners and friends a while ago, when she kissed him as a coverkiss and enjoyed playing domestic with him. And as she made him promise to never get himself killed

And Deeks realised that their thing was more when he told her she smells like sunshine & gunpowder – two of his favourite things. That's why he kissed her before all that mess happened. And when Siderov tortured him Kensi was the place in his head he went to to forget all the pain.

Deeks thought about what Nate had told him when they were talking on the beach: „Find out what makes your partnership to Kensi unique and special, and then admitt that to her and to yourself." Right in that moment Deeks mind remembered something: _The night Kens came over with chinese food and beers, I fell asleep pretty fast, but I told Kensi it's a lovestory. She probably didn't know what I was talking about, maybe even I didn't know at that time. What makes our partnership what it is, is the act that it's a lovestory,_ he thought. _Nate knew that, and so did Hetty, that's why she gave me the letter saying Sunshine & Gundpowder._

Deeks realised that Kensi was talking to him.

„Are you there?"

„What? Yes, of course. Did something happen?" he stammred.

„No. I just wanted to know if I could eat the rest of your chicken teriyaky? Are you okay Deeks?"

„Yes. No. Um, I'm okay and you can have the chicken." He tried to look normal, but somehow that didn't work.

„Tell me what's wrong Deeks. Is it because of what I told you before. I actually thought about it, if you wanna know what i think?" she continued the food and waited.

„Yeah of course. I always wanna know what you think."

_Always? Weird answer,_ Kensi thought, but she started to explain: „When Jack suffered from PTSD, he turned away from me, he left me long before the day he actually went through the front door and was gone. I tried to help him, but he didn't want me to. So Hetty is wrong, it's not the same situation. You don't try to push me away all the time, and it's easier to talk to you, because I know you trust me and wouldn't lie to me, or just run out on me. So I am okay with your condition, I just want to help you so you can go back to me the man you want to be."

Deeks was really happy to hear those words, he appreciated it and gave Kensi one of his Shaggy-smiles. With her saying those words to him it was clear, he would tell her what he feels. That he wants to be with her, that she is not only his family, but the most important person in his life. But for now that had to wait, he didn't want something important like that to be spoiled because of some incident at an observation. And they should at least not sit in a car with what looks like 20 boxes of chinese food around them.

So Deeks did what was their thing, he asked Kensi: „So you are good and that means we are good?"

„Well, yes. If you are good to?"

„Yeah, I'm great Sunshine!" he said with a grin on his face.

Kensi looked slightly iritatet first, but then she smiled at Deeks and as he looked her into the eyes, he saw that the woman he loved was really happy, despite everything she was happy. She probably felt as if she could deal with all that mess because she was not alone in it this time, she still had her partner on her side, and that is the best for both of them.


End file.
